This new book

I was given a book to read. As it being a part of my education, I don’t really think I am supposed to tell everyone what it is. But I can say the following:

This is a book that I was loaned to read.. Told that after reading, it would be discussed between my new mentor and myself. The more you read my writing you will come to know what the people that know me already do: I can speak very well, but my writing is better, thus, the take on the book is best explained by speaking through my fingertips. The good thing, is not only does it allow me to relay my thoughts on the book, it allows me to deliver another message to my readers. Which by the way, is always good. So let's begin shall we?

This book is profound reading. Design to make you think while reading every literal page. The best part? The book is only about 100 pages.. Now, the main point to the story, the title itself, is brilliantly placed in the middle of the book.. Why? as told by reading: "it is the core of the story." The core of the book.. First message I got and want to pass: It takes time, patience, effort and energy to reach the things in life that create its core. If you make it, you will see that the lessons before that moment but in that beginning is something that will resound in and be a part of the rest of your life.

While reading, I noticed key words through the book. Italicized or capitalized throughout sentences. Messages highlighted as inserts in a repetitious, hand drawn picture and referred to as and by an introduction of "The Writing On The Wall" held ideas that each on its own, was a lesson in itself. Put together they created a foundation built on by the story as a meaning that we can live in and by. Second message: Growth, wisdom, maturity and words of the like exist in life as examples based in moments that require more than a passing glance. Be it you or someone else providing the art work in words, The Writing On The Wall is always there for a reason. Life requires you to not only live, but understand the meanings and lessons in the pre memory moments that create its existence.

The beginning of the book echoes its title. The whole time it makes you wonder what the main story, the core of is. Just when you begin to think that the entire book is the story, the author reminds you that there is a deeper meaning behind his words than what you are reading. The intro is the first teased third of the book. Then is the core story in the second third.  Followed by the understood meaning in and of the story as relayed the author, from the lives pre-tale, the last third. Next message: Conditioned by the lives that we live, we rarely notice something as being profound. Having a meaning that enables us to take a stock of our lives and change for the better. These moments happen so fast, that they tend to pass us by through no fault of their own. See, it’s on us as people leading individual lives to notice these things. We may think that these beautiful and enlightening moments happen to a blessed few. Fact is, these moments happen constantly. Its only in the most profound lessons do we realize that all we had to do is be open to understanding from the beginning.

The core story being written about two kinds of people, who, make up life. Those who believe that the only way things will work out is if they never change, and those who have reached their goals, are happy, but are open. Never losing the initial drive that lead them to their beginning goals. Knowing that even though they are comfortable in today, it does not mean that they should take for granted what they have.

Change is what so many people are afraid of. Yet they forget that change is what prompted them to follow a dream. Even if you grasp said dream, it was based in a change, making change a part of your dream. Being stuck in ones ways, for a period of time will only give the impression of working. Remaining flexible, open and accepting of and to change is a part of life. Final message?

From day one, life speaks to you, teaches to you. Choosing to begin the journey to understanding the lessons is a path that will never end. Things in life cannot and must not be taken for granted. Change created them and change is the only thing that will allow their core meanings to remain in existence. Sometimes we cannot do things alone but The Writing On The Wall is always there if we are open to accepting the help. The story, just as this post, will allow each reader to gain the overall meaning, guided by a personal understanding and connection. Basically though, the pursuit of happiness, real joy and happiness, doesn’t exist in the moments we refuse to let go of. Rather those moment allowed to guide the "will" that we each have as people.

Make sense?

(More to come, this is only the beginning of this series of post)

According a the bible, the world is 6000+ years old. As told by science, 4.5billion years old. The oldest person to be known to live? Died this year. This week actually at 127 years old. I know that there will be many people who do not agree with what I am about to say, but for the purposes of this post, it is an action required. Averaging that is.

Adding the Earth age according to the Bible and science, we get an average of 22 billion, 500 million, 3 thousand years.. (Don't shoot me if my math is wrong, I'm kind of rusty.) A lot of numbers right? Take the Earth average and compare it to the oldest person known to live.. Big difference.. Now, take that person at 127 years, and compare it to the final age of the people you know that have died.. Again, big difference right?

My point? How much time do we really have to waste? Be it one day or 100 years, how much time can you afford to sacrifice? Not be happy? Not live the best you can with what you have? Settle for anything basically?

Life truly is to short for a single moment of just getting by. Settling for less than what you deserve or dream of. Life is worth more than half an effort. Before you know it, it will be your time to die. A whole life may be wasted and on what? The one thing that science and the bible will tell you is this: Life is not guaranteed to continue past the moment and memory that make up right now.. So, do you really think you can afford to just throw it away?

I don't. Though I can tell you of so many people who live this way. If only for a single second they decide to waste precious time, energy, LIFE... On moments that are truly not worth the effort nor cost.

Settling for something has a much bigger effect on life then most give credit to... Wasting time and energy in life just getting by, not living, not trying, not having or at the least, going after what you want and what makes you happy is wrong. Unfortunately a lesson that to many people learn in the last minutes of life. Unless your choice is to live to settle.. What sense does that make though?

What is your life worth? How much time can you afford to just give away? Questions you should ask your self before you have run out of time to give away to the things in life that require you to settle or make you unhappy.

I have said it before, and will say again:

The only thing in life, worth life, is life.

Waste it, hate it, or wish it to be different. Or love it and cherish every moment of it. Only you as a person can decide what decision is worthy of guiding your choices in your life. Question is: What will you do with your time, while you have life?

Make sense?

Never Giving Up

In this post, there are so many messages that I could send. Too many things that I could say. It is hard to limit the writing to one specific topic.... Rather, get it down to one over all meaning..

I think I have one though... That being? Not giving up.. Here is the story..

So after a lifetime of doing things that only ended in a struggle.. Heartbreak.. Nothing.. Less than nothing.. The literal definition of "I quit", is, for a good while, how I felt.

Though I have changed that frame of mind a long time ago, if I had not, I would not have the opportunity that I do today. I still smile in amazement over the last few days and how things have went..

I went to an unscheduled meeting between two people. A fly on the wall as it would be. No input. No questions. Just there.. The end of the meeting showed a different light. That light slowly over the last few days has gotten brighter and brighter, focused on me.

I had the pleasure of reaching yet another realization. The first meeting, led to me being invited to another later that night at one of the most amazing hidden places, The Warf... In the middle of this get together, a light show started.

The music was put together flawlessly and the lights only added to it. Lighted silhouettes, shapes, colors, programmed flashing all made for a night that I will never forget. That is not what made the night though.

Throughout the show, in the company of truly one of a kind minds seeking to know more about me, I got lost in the motorized light directly above my head.. Why? Even when the light itself was not on, it still moved. 

Even though I sat in a small shadow, the light still shined directly on me.

Applied meaning? After deciding to never give up, I never stopped moving. Even though I may have had nothing. Things may have seemed hopeless. My energy had been shut off, I kept moving. The light may have been taken away, but it was only until it was my turn in rotation..

All I had to do was wait. Be patient. Not give up, on me. Not the chase of a job, money, something better, just me. Every time the light passed my face, though briefly, not giving up is all that I could think of and how lucky I am to have come into the strength to do so.

Light is based in transferring energy. Something that cannot be created or destroyed. Potential or kinetic. I, You, are the same in some applied thought. Giving up should never be something that is followed through with. Learn, grow, live but don’t give up.

Be it a part of an entire light show or an independent performance, if only you, be.. The one thing that refuses to cut the energy to your light. Better days are truly around the corner. For years I was told, as we all are, it is darkest before the light. It gets worse before it gets better. Those are statements that are so hard to believe in. Though it’s only one half. Giving up in one form or another stops so many people from shinning.

The possibilities are endless pending never giving up on yourself refusing to give up in life.

 "But you don’t understand, step in my shoes, it’s easy to say, you’re not me", I have heard and said them all. This truth, my truth, your truth is still the same. Not giving up on who you are has the possibility, with all the variables, to be one of, if not the hardest decision you as a person will have to make and live with, but that does not mean it is not possible.

That simple light became much bigger than itself by giving me the words to explain how important it is to not give up. Your light will always shine as long as you feed it potential energy. Even if your energy is potential, not moving. Never giving up will only show means to make it kinetic again.

I hope this will help if only one person understand the meaning to not giving up..

This is only one part on a topic that I will always write about. Giving up means so much more than just giving up. 

You are someone. 

Important. 

Just never give up on refusing to give up. 

My Voice

So, from 13 to about 18 I drank a lot. 18 to 25, rarely. 25 to my birthday turning 27, heavily. February 2013 to today. Moderate. I was a very talented writer in middle and high school. I stopped for a long time. Turned what would be written into unspoken words instead. 2010, I started writing again, trouble is, I couldn’t be sober and write. The words always have a meaning, deep sometimes. Trouble is, sober, I was cut off from the emotional side of myself. I’ll explain more in another post but basically, I could only access reactions of anger. I really only had a basic understanding of happiness. Human emotion was all but forign.

My mind would take the things that hurt me, or made me sad and divert them to a locked away part of my mind before they could do damage. Though now I know how much mental energy it took to do this, then, it was natural, and, I didn’t realize it was being done. I could only write when alcohol or some drug lessened this “protect” circuit, as I called it then. SO much would flow through my pen. No thought needed. Like under the influence, another side of me took over.  Actually, sometimes, most times, I didn’t remember writing anything. Especially the touching pages.

At times, I was in awe myself about the things that came out. Do I really feel like this? Where did this come from?

 (There is a point to this. I didn’t realize that I would be writing this much about me. I am not sure why this is coming out, but, I don’t think I should stop now, nor keep it from the blog.. bare with me for a bit. Listen.. Don’t read).

 Last year sometime, I went through something that ended up with me knocking my head pretty hard. This lead to a breakdown of sorts. A life time of hidden emotion came from nowhere and gave me hell so to speak. At first I was told there really was another personality inside me. As you will hear later, that thought was changed. As for now, a whole other person was created from all things hidden. I’d lose hours, days even. Not remember things, or black out. Troubling yes? The incident was really needed, but at the time, it scared me, and bad. In a literal moment, I didn’t know who I was, what was going on. Why me? Why now? I was angry and terrified because I didn’t understand the emotional pain or how to deal with it. All I knew was that I could not turn it off.

 The writing and thinking picked up. My mind would process the overflowing hidden feelings during the day, at night, my guided pen would make it physical. When I was able to gain mental control, I’d read the words. At first it didn’t make sense. My Dr. had been reading the writing, and, one visit, suggested that I try to listen the words. That night, I read, but it wasn’t reading. I began listening. That fast it started to make sense. I didn’t need medication. I wasn’t crazy. Something in me needed to be heard. All I had to do was listen. The mental split was always there. Though, hidden in a way. The incident, to my understanding, jarred the divisions lose, and, the rational side of my head took over. Trying to fix itself. Slowly it did.

 My Dr. said that it is truly something unique to be able to see and be a part of what’s going on. Saying how rare it is for something like this to happen. The speed, trigger, healing process. Everything about it went against what the statics of my history say should be. He took me off of medication and gave me his pen. Saying he honestly felt as though nothing he could prescribe me or say to me or ask me would help after our listening conversation. All I need to do, is what I showed myself. Listen to what wants to speak.

“Anthony, I have heard you speak. Both aloud and on paper. Your brain is and will heal itself. All you have to do, is listen to your words and heal you”. After some time, he told me I no longer needed to come to his office. “You did it. As rare as it is, you did it. You have a lot to say, speak Anthony. For myself, I don’t mix religion and my job. You however, are blessed with a gift. A real god given gift, and I for one, would like to see how your life will be now that you have healed with a voice.”

(Now it makes sense. I know what the main message that I want to be heard is.)

Just before starting this blog, I posted a story on Facebook about a man and a dollar. After a few comments, I realized I had posted other stories over the years. Then it sunk in. If writing was able to heal me, maybe my writing can help and/or heal someone else. Ramble, message, story, any of it needs to be heard. You, we, I need to be heard. There are several messages and meanings that can be taken from this post. Each reader may have a different understanding or connection to it. Its point and purpose. Final thought? Don’t be afraid to speak. Aloud or written, words are more powerful then we realize. They have the potential to do so many things. I, now choose to use my words to create a voice having the potential to change a life. My Voice. What will you do with yours?

Acceptance (fixed)

Acceptance

 

 

Question.. What causes us as people to do the things we do in order to fit in?

Opinionated definition.. The biggest example of acceptance that we have as a nation, I would say, would be one person behaving in a manner that is not of them in order to be a part of the given environment or situation and belief. (I didn’t look at a dictionary. That is my opinion of the meaning.)

Timeline and introduction.. Age: 6 to current. 27. My entire world changed just before I hit my first year as a teen. That age is when I came into my own as a person, solidified the subtle nuisances that set me apart and helped create every aspect of me.. As with everything else, there is a story involved. One I will tell completely within respect to this post.

Story:

As a kid, I tried to fit in with the people that were around me. Pretended to be tough, like, that whole bad boy image. I even rode this lie of me losing a child for quite some time, that by the way, will be another post….. I did so many things trying to be like this person. Or adapt to a certain way of thinking, speaking and behaving so people would want to be involved with me. Blend in to be a part of the whole so I would not stand out and feel alone. A follower in the aspect of me setting aside my own known “natural” to be someone, something, anything other than me. Taking on identity pieces of those envied in the wish of becoming who they were to everyone else. (Remember that sentence).

The metaphorical straw that broke the camel’s back in reference to acceptance, came with, what I consider, my first actual relationship. Me and my cousin were walking through our neighborhood. We see two girls coming towards us. One, he knows from high school. She was turning 18. The other, was around my age. 13. He, set efforts on the older one. Me, pushed by him, set attention, though awkward, on the younger. She ignored me. Shot down if you will. The older one turns to me and asks how old was I. My reply? How old do I need to be? That was all it took to begin something I didn’t try for. Something I thought was out of my reach. Something…… That was natural.. Taking no effort to be something I already was. Focusing on the younger one, I faked an image. The older saw the natural and loved it. (also another post). Walking away, I smiled, mystified about this basically grown woman wanting me. A jit. (young kid). My cousin looks at me and says: What did you say to that girl? TJ, (family name), I didn’t know you had it in you.

Neither did I. After seeing each other a few times, and each, I went back to pretending looking for acceptance from this girl. One night she tells me: There is something about you. Tony, (friends call me that), just be you. Not who you think you should be. Everything changed then. Why? Because I accepted me, who I am, how I am, what I am, both in that moment and any possible future. Before thinking this, I thought a leader had to be a focal point among a group of people. After? I saw that this thinking was wrong. A leader not only leads a group, but themselves as well. Meaning? Even if a leader is alone, they are still a leader. Natural. No effort. Traits of a person that follow a self-intended path¸ without self-sacrifice for another. That concept of a leader, again, to me, expanded would mean not necessarily leading a group, rather choosing to be you, despite the group, not the next shadow of the would be masses.

How? By accepting who, inclusive what, you were, are and will be. I cannot speak for everyone that stands out, as for me, accepting my own self is and was the deciding differential between being a leader and a follower. I saw and felt that the only reason I sought for acceptance is because I was not happy with myself. Thinking someone else, another image of a person, was better than I, me, who I am when pretending was not an option.

Now everyone has to accept me, need me, want me, love me because I am just like them. Right?

Wrong… See.. The people that stand out in society are the ones that only want to be themselves. Role models. Examples. Self-realized I. Not someone else. Leaders.

Again, how? Acceptance. It does not matter who or what you are. Where you come from. Where you plan to go. To be a leader, just be you. All you have to lead is yourself. Never mind the masses. Accept every part of you. Because it is you.

It took some time, but slowly, all the things that I was pretending to be for everyone else, soon became a reality. It wasn’t fake. Pretended. Natural. So much potential rested inside of me but focusing on being someone else, I didn’t see it at first. My own mind is amazing. Skills and talents? To many to count. It’s not blowing my own horn or anything, just saying, all you have to do, is give you a chance and the possibilities are endless.

I found out, I didn’t need to be accepted by everyone else. They were all trying to be someone else anyway. Such chaos. Who am I really trying to impress or mimic, hell, I don’t even know the person we are trying to be like. Smart kids were made fun of. Shy kids were lonely. Well, looking from their side, what is right: Teasing, taunting, hurting, and neglecting someone being themselves, or someone not having the confidence to be who they are? Who is really shy? The person showing who they are, or the person pretending to be someone else, hiding the real them?

Any race, creed, religion, body shape, “status in life” all contain people who feel they have to be someone else. Wanting acceptance makes people do un natural things. They also have people who only want to be them. For them. Not for the group. They, are my role modles. It takes unbelievable strength, courage, and belief in ones self to let nothing or no one change nor dictate who they are. Its people like this that helped show me how important it is to accept myself. Paving the way for this post, to help another..

Accept who you are. If you don’t, no one else will. It is hard, and yes, it hurts at times. Just remember, after accepting your self, you have something that the ones you sought to please never will. An identity as an individual. Think of it this way:

The group follows the people that don’t follow the group..

Make Sense?

 

A Fishy Tale

So, what would be the story for today? Could it be my work day? Maybe the feelings that I have had throughout the day. How about this… Let’s do a story from a long time ago. Ah, here is one. It is about fish. Well the eating of fish. Okay, I will stop teasing with it. It is about what made me stop eating fish. And all over this grey stuff that was inside of it.

So, the setup… I think I was about eight. We are eating dinner at a foster home. The lady had already told us before dinner that we needed to be careful of bones. Well, leave it up to me to be the only one that ate and choked on a bone. The foster mom sat, looked at me, like actually watching me choke on this thing. Luckily, it worked itself out. Now, we know that the bone was the culprit for me choking right?

Well this is how that made sense in my head.. I remember looking at the grey stuff. Thinking this looks nasty. This may kill me. But I had to eat it anyway. So tasting it, it was nasty and hard to get down. So when I began to choke all I was thinking was someone help me, the grey stuff is killing me. And yes, don’t laugh, I actually thought that. I tried to say something but between the slob and gagging all I managed to get out was this eerie gargling sound.

Now, I did not eat fish after that until I was 25. And then it was only one time. 26 I got to eating it often.  Though I will say, I so avoided the grey stuff.

So, what is the point in that story? Its not telling you to be aware of the killer grey stuff. Though that may not be a bad idea. The point is this: For all those years I ran from something, refused to have new experiences because of something I did not understand. Something I never gave a second chance to, limited not only my mind but the experiences that I had with others. Just because something scares you. Or you fail at it. Or this lady watches you while you choke on grey killer fishy stuff does not mean that you should give up and let the fear of any one thing determine how you live your life. Make sense?

Turning back the hands of time

I’ll answer based on how it was asked and expected answer. Then how I feel….

How many of us wish that we could do that? Be it just an hour.  Maybe rewind a life time? If I knew now what I knew then. If only. My life would be different if i… Powerful statements that, I for one, don’t agree with. Mistakes? Have I made any? In my eyes,  no..

 Regrets? No. This is not to say that I am perfect because I am far from that. Like a 27 hour flight, 34 hour layover, 23 hour train ride, 3 hours on a bus, then 5 hours walking in a jungle with this little dude that thinks my cologne smells funny away.

Explained is this. I have done things to get into trouble over. Things to hurt someone. Make someone cry, or angry, or afraid. Not given my all at times, played cruel games with people, and so much more. Every bump in the road, made me who I am today.

My history, has given me the insight to think the way I do. The ability to speak the way I do. The drive to want to learn, the encouragement I can offer, the strength to take the pain of someone else and make it go away or ease for a time. Without those would be mistakes, I would not be me.

 (okay, im in my writing mood, those that know me know what that mood is, for everyone else, well, youll have to read the book.)

Yes. There are many things that I have done.  Out of them all, the biggest “take back” moment would have to be, the decision to remain emotionally distant. This includes mental as well. Younger, I was very angry and hurt over my life, and made the decision to be hurt free. Completely cut off. Most of us say that we are guarded and what not, but to be how I partly still am, is a dangerous road. I just didn’t know it. The first to go was the feeling of and notion of family. Next was love. Followed by the acceptance of any thought or feeling or action that was not what I wanted. The good? Well then to me I was safe. I can only give so many details, which by the way, had to be cleared if you will for being told. I was free from wanting. Needing. Guilt. All of it. Friends I didn’t have.

Family I chose to accept as never being a part of my reality. Relationships were only games. Honestly, every person I met was a practice range for my skill at mental games. Wrong yea? I know that now. Either way, I lived on the idea that I was alone. Along the way, the hurt I cause was unreal. I paid no mind to it. The connections were only for gain and everyone way a test track for a new lie to live. A few months ago, I hit reality. Like, everything I thought never caused me hurt, did. My mind just hid it, ignored it. 20 years of the stuff came on my butt all at once. Talk about tough? It was then that I made an effort to apologize for everyone I had hurt. Or pretended with. One of them said to me the only way I was able to apologize is because I had first made what they called a mistake.

bright light… It made sense. Just like I blogged about before, if we as people were the only ones to judge what a mistake was, there would be none. It is others who decide our mistakes. Only we define success. After that, I went out on my own tangent. Yea, I have done bad, then regretful things. Had guilt. And felt so sad over  them. Even needing medication to stay stable. Then I had the what if mid set. Now? I live it. I have accepted everything I have done. Good and bad.  Now, I don’t wish to take away any one decision. Doing so would change everything today. One left turn 9 years ago may have lead to me not having my two beautiful children. Every action, made us who we are. As for me, I am proud of who I have become. Every error in judgment paved the way for this. to finalize the answer. At one time, my biggest regret was choosing to live detached. Without living that way, I would not be the man I am. Yes I have done bad. But that bad helped create my good. I am proud of me, and my  mistakes. Without them, you would not be listening to me now……… After all, if we as individuals cannot accept our selves for past present and future, how can we expect someone else to do the same? Taking anything back would only change now. The challenge was only accepting that ideal.