Turning back the hands of time

I’ll answer based on how it was asked and expected answer. Then how I feel….

How many of us wish that we could do that? Be it just an hour.  Maybe rewind a life time? If I knew now what I knew then. If only. My life would be different if i… Powerful statements that, I for one, don’t agree with. Mistakes? Have I made any? In my eyes,  no..

 Regrets? No. This is not to say that I am perfect because I am far from that. Like a 27 hour flight, 34 hour layover, 23 hour train ride, 3 hours on a bus, then 5 hours walking in a jungle with this little dude that thinks my cologne smells funny away.

Explained is this. I have done things to get into trouble over. Things to hurt someone. Make someone cry, or angry, or afraid. Not given my all at times, played cruel games with people, and so much more. Every bump in the road, made me who I am today.

My history, has given me the insight to think the way I do. The ability to speak the way I do. The drive to want to learn, the encouragement I can offer, the strength to take the pain of someone else and make it go away or ease for a time. Without those would be mistakes, I would not be me.

 (okay, im in my writing mood, those that know me know what that mood is, for everyone else, well, youll have to read the book.)

Yes. There are many things that I have done.  Out of them all, the biggest “take back” moment would have to be, the decision to remain emotionally distant. This includes mental as well. Younger, I was very angry and hurt over my life, and made the decision to be hurt free. Completely cut off. Most of us say that we are guarded and what not, but to be how I partly still am, is a dangerous road. I just didn’t know it. The first to go was the feeling of and notion of family. Next was love. Followed by the acceptance of any thought or feeling or action that was not what I wanted. The good? Well then to me I was safe. I can only give so many details, which by the way, had to be cleared if you will for being told. I was free from wanting. Needing. Guilt. All of it. Friends I didn’t have.

Family I chose to accept as never being a part of my reality. Relationships were only games. Honestly, every person I met was a practice range for my skill at mental games. Wrong yea? I know that now. Either way, I lived on the idea that I was alone. Along the way, the hurt I cause was unreal. I paid no mind to it. The connections were only for gain and everyone way a test track for a new lie to live. A few months ago, I hit reality. Like, everything I thought never caused me hurt, did. My mind just hid it, ignored it. 20 years of the stuff came on my butt all at once. Talk about tough? It was then that I made an effort to apologize for everyone I had hurt. Or pretended with. One of them said to me the only way I was able to apologize is because I had first made what they called a mistake.

bright light… It made sense. Just like I blogged about before, if we as people were the only ones to judge what a mistake was, there would be none. It is others who decide our mistakes. Only we define success. After that, I went out on my own tangent. Yea, I have done bad, then regretful things. Had guilt. And felt so sad over  them. Even needing medication to stay stable. Then I had the what if mid set. Now? I live it. I have accepted everything I have done. Good and bad.  Now, I don’t wish to take away any one decision. Doing so would change everything today. One left turn 9 years ago may have lead to me not having my two beautiful children. Every action, made us who we are. As for me, I am proud of who I have become. Every error in judgment paved the way for this. to finalize the answer. At one time, my biggest regret was choosing to live detached. Without living that way, I would not be the man I am. Yes I have done bad. But that bad helped create my good. I am proud of me, and my  mistakes. Without them, you would not be listening to me now……… After all, if we as individuals cannot accept our selves for past present and future, how can we expect someone else to do the same? Taking anything back would only change now. The challenge was only accepting that ideal.