Question: What makes the difference in a couple that has been together for 50 years, and one that has been together for 2? In the face of so many problems and heartache, how can an older couple make things work, when the younger cannot? What is that missing connection and understanding?
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I had the pleasure of meeting a couple this past week. I was already planning to write on love, so, I figured why not ask them for an opinion on it, or advice for younger couples.
“Our advice?” Looking into each other’s eyes, “be careful of wanting love. With the majority of the younger couples we see, they all make the same mistakes.” The man leans forward, “I am a vet. I served over 30 years in the military. My wife cheated a total of 9 times. I can’t describe the hurt that I felt.” He looks back at her and she begins, “because of how I behaved, he cheated on me 4 times, one of them was responsible for my son.” Together they smile, and the man says, “but we stayed together. Son, love is unconditional. It is not easy, and like wine, it has to mature. Love may look beautiful just as grapes on the vines, but you cant call it wine until they are picked, processed, aged, and presented to the market. Love is the same. You may tell each other you are in love within the first 3 months. But it is not unconditional until you realize that no amount of pain will ever outweigh having real love.”
His wife smiles, tearing up looking at him, then at me. What is your name? Anthony I reply. “Anthony, how many times have you been told i love you?” I don’t know was my answer. “Well, how many times have you been in love.” One I replied. “I can tell by the way you are listening and looking, you don’t have the love that we do, at least not yet. Here in lies the beginning of the mistake.”
When you meet someone, you fall in love. That love is not just for that day. Rather the person they were, who they are today, and who they may become. You kids stop at the first few signs of pain and run. But what if you stayed? What if.. You loved your partner not only for happiness, but for sadness as well? What if being able to say I love you meant more than any mistake could erase?”
I could only look at the floor. Thinking. Trying to answer the questions. She lifts my head saying, “You would truly know what being in love is. How valuable it is. When you are young, yes you will make mistakes, yes you will hurt and be hurt. That is what makes love an unbreakable bond. A smile or good time makes a connection. But once something bad happens, it is always held over anything happy. You kids are forgetting that love is not easy. And if you want it, you have to accept the hurt that comes with it. Not run from it. But build on it.”
I stopped taking notes and realized, this is what makes the older couples seem like they have a special kind of love. The one that the younger generations strive for. This is what we don’t understand about people who stay, when the world says run… Even if they spend 20 years being abused by man or woman before they leave, that hell builds the stairways to their heaven.
I thanked the couple, and turned to walk away. The man stopped me, and asked what was his over all meaning…
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My answer?
“If you want love, you will hurt for it. You will fight for it. You will give everything including life to never lose it. Or get it back. Loving someone because they never hurt you is easy. Be it a lie. Or more serious, loving someone because they have hurt you means much more then we give credit to. Any and Everything in life worth life has a struggle or fight behind it. Love is no different. That makes it unconditional and true. Instead of saying I want love or being hurt because you don’t have it, maybe ask if you are strong enough and willing to endure what you may have to in order to really be in love with someone.”
