This I would like to know. What does the feeling mean when you see
things you were not meant to see. Things that should have been hidden. The
heart races. The mind wonders. The whole body shakes uncontrollably. That weird
feeling in the pit of your stomach. The little knot that comes from nowhere in
the base of your throat.
Several different feelings come when this particular mood
sets on. Trouble is, I don’t know that they are. Defiantly found in places I
should not be looking. I don’t know if I can call it betrayal. Say it was a lie.
I mean technically, there was no lie because nothing was ever said. Nothing was
omitted because nothing was ever asked. Just assumed to not be so.
Ahhhh.. What is this? Dare say hate? A strong not liking? Happiness
for knowing? Hell. I don’t know. Is it the feeling of trust flying out the
window? Maybe seeing trust was never there? Trying to be the image of strong
when maybe I should be weak? Fighting off weakness because, well.. It is
weakness?
I can say this. It burns the nerve. Mind. Anything else it
comes into contact with as well. Thoughts. Feelings. Emotions. Actions. One’s
own will. Almost like being told you are released from jail. Only to get that
first breath of freedom and be told a mistake was made. The literal wind out of
sails. Forgetting the automatic notion of breathing.
In the face of all this.. Maybe it is wishing that I had
never knew anything other than the many secrets you continue to hold. Or could
it be confusion. As to why I am still standing in front of a locked gate.
Stubbornly blowing at my own sails. Constantly turning blue in the face and
back again.
